Good title for what the hell I'm feeling right now. So Nate calls me last week and we talk a bit. He tells me that he loves me and that he wants me back. So I figured this is what happened: Last I talked to him, his wife was pregnant and all was good. He couldn't leave (well, WOULDN'T leave) a pregnant wife & 2 other kids. Now, all of a sudden, 2 months later, he wants to "pick up where we left off"! Apparently his wife lost the baby and things are "back to the way they were". They fight, they ignore each other. They sleep in the same bed, but they don't sleep together. THE FUKR WANTS TO PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF!!!!!!! Not a chance in hell! He broke my heart into pieces & expects things to go back to the way they were. What fukn dream land is he living in. Granted -- I still love him, but I'm NOT going through that again! I've gone through it 3 times - 3 STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT! Guess what fukr - YOU'RE OUT! I love myself, my family, my friends and everything I've got going good for me now to let him in my life again. And besides, the General would kick my ass! He's been right there with me, through it all. And though we both agree that I am better for having known & had a relationship with Nate, we both have the same thoughts & feelings -- He's not worth the heartache anymore. He doesn't deserve to be with someone like me. I'm worth more than that and I will not be put through again what he has done to me.

Here are a few poems that I found online that describe my feelings & what I think about Nate & what he did to me.

You showed me what love is in many, many ways
I will go on with memory of love shared for eternal days
I will keep close the good times we shared
With the knowledge that you cared
Now I will go on
and each day will get strong
I weep no more for you
I will find love anew

So worry not, I shan't shed a faint tear,
even after all these days,
I once cried out, but you didn't hear,
so therefore you're not needed here.

My heart will no more bleed
I know that I will succeed
you’re now a memory in my past
the future beckons me at last
with eager step my heart will fly
no more will I hear doves cry

This one is entitled "I wish I didn't miss you"

I don’t know what to say
Or even where to start
But I never would have guessed
It’d be you to break my heart

You can just walk away
But I don’t feel the same
My love for you was true
And to you it was all a game

I wish there were a way
I could go back in time
To hold you in my arms
As if you were still mine

Please someone tell me when
This pain will go away
When I’ll forget the past
And move on to another day

A day where just for once
Your face won’t cross my mind
I won’t think of our memories
I'll just leave them all behind

I won’t think of our good nights
Or the way you made me feel
I’ll move on to someone new
Someone whose love is real

I won’t miss your arms around me
Holding me so tight
I won’t long to feel your body
Pressed against mine through the night

The memory of your kiss
Will finally disappear
And never again for you
Shall I shed another tear

I say all this right now
Wishing it would be true
But I know tonight, I'll go to bed,
Not crying over you

And with all that said........I'M OUTTIE!
¶ 2:06:00 PM