You Can Tell It's Going to Be a Bad Day When...

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.(Note: this is VERY likely to happen in a government office!)
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night...and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as youfollow a group of Hell's Angels on the highway.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work, get there, and realize your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
our income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.


The bad things we eat

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."


Season Pass?

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, giving them the rules of campus. "The female dorm will be out-of-bounds for all male students, as will the male dorm for female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offence, $60 for the second offense, and $180 if you're caught a third time."
A male student in the crowd yelled out, "How much for a season pass?"


Bad Jokes
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Damn!

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?
An amish drive-by shooting

How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

¶ 4:20:00 PM