Just came back from giving him his Christmas presents. He just sat there & cried. He wasn't sure quite what to think. I gave him a new towel for his golf clubs, an 18-pack of golf balls, and the most important, a bottle of Aramis Life. The reason behind the gifts.....

1. We fell in love on the golf course...simple as that. Anyone who's read my blog could have figured that one out. What a better token of where love between us was found than that?! And besides, he's always losing golf balls on the golf course....hehehe....now he just has more to lose next summer! :)

2. Aramis Life....it's an awesome smelling men's cologne. He came over smelling like it one day, I asked him what it was, and he brought me over a little sample of it. It's smells just like him. And it will always be "ours". His wife doesn't even know he likes Aramis Life. It is OURS!

He told me again that he will always love me. And that if things don't work out between him & his wife, he wants to be a part of my life. I told him I would welcome him with open arms. He said he never regretted anything that happened between us...I agreed with him. I never will either. I told him I will always have him in my heart and he will always have me in his heart. He told me I was right. He asked me if we could sit down and talk when he got back so he could tell me everything that happened and what he has decided. I told him he knew how to get a hold of me. He said he would. He then thanked me for yesterday. I thanked him for today....and we both said, "And we'll see about tomorrow!"

He then drove off......................................

I cried as I walked back up to the building, but in my heart, I'm feeling better about things. We may not be together today or tomorrow, but I know we will be together eventually. I LOVE THAT MAN! AND I KNOW HE LOVES ME!!! :) ¶ 6:48:00 PM

Had a good talk with him just a little bit ago. Now we're both on the same page. He told me that yesterday didn't go down like he wanted it to. And he's sorry it went down like it did. I told him I understood.....that's how it had to go down. I asked him if he still loved me. He told me he did and he always would. We both agreed that he needed to be with his wife right now. He has to work on his marriage right now and if come the first of the year, if it looks like it isn't going to work out, then he's going to file for divorce. And if he does, he hopes there's room for a second chance in my life for him. I told him that there will always be room in my life for him. ALWAYS! I will always love him. I told him he had a piece of me that I will never and would never want back. And he said the same to me. I have a piece of him that he would and will never want back. We will remain friends and I feel like I will be able to and can talk to him. It doesn't matter what it's about. I told him I went out on Friday night, he said he knew. I told him I didn't do anything (I can't...not with him in my heart) but I didn't get home until 4 am. He was glad I went out and had fun. He told me I needed to go out and have fun and he encouraged it. That made me feel good. I told him I went out last night and had fun too. He knows & I know in my heart, I can't commit myself to anyone else, as there is a chance for us. I SOOOOO needed to hear that. That made my whole day. Made my whole weekend. I have his Christmas presents here and I told him I wanted him to have them. He said I didn't have to...I told him I WANTED to. He said he has one for me that he wants to give me still. I told him I would love it. :) Things will get better. I will make it through this. I know he still cares & still loves me and I still care & love him. :) YAY! He just made my day! ¶ 1:03:00 PM

Well, I spent the entire weekend in BED! I was sicker than a dog. I went to the hospital Sunday night bcuz my chest felt very tight and I was having a hard time breathing. Spent a few hours there and found out I had an upper respiratory infection. EW! That sucked! Dr. said I would feel worse before I would start to feel better. He wrote me a prescription for antibiotics & I was on my way. I felt like HELL! I stayed home on Monday, doctors orders. It was a good thing too, because I wouldn't have done any good at work. My head was pounding, I had hot & cold flashes, & overall felt like dog crap run over! :) Is there a better way to explain it?? I think not. Anyway, I slept most of Monday and since Tuesday was my day off, I decided I better spent it in bed too....Just to make sure I don't get any worse. I went out for a few hours on Tuesday, but spent most of it in bed too. Best make sure I don't get feeling any worse...which I didn't. YAY!

I came into work on Wednesday, feeling like crap still....but needed to be there. I couldn't afford not to be!!! I got permission from the boss to leave if I needed to, but every time I tried we were so busy I just decided to stay & help out. I made it til 7, went home, took my medicine & it knocked me out! YAY!

Thursday sucked ass! I hate him!!! I hate him!!! I hate him!!! I hate him!!! I hate him!!! I hate him!!! No, I still love him....but I hate what he is doing to me. I don't know how I'm going to live w/o him in my life, but I'm a survivor. I will survive & move on!!! He came to me yesterday & told me people quit over our relationship. I think it's BS, but that's just my opinion. He knew what we were getting into. I just don't think he realized it to it's full extent. I will miss him. He's my soulmate. The only one in this world that is PERFECT for me, but ....... I can't live like this anymore. I won't either. My life, my pride, my world is going good right now. And no one is going to mess it up....no one but me, that is. :) I sat at worked and cried for a good 30 minutes. I can't believe he hurt me. He promised me he never would. But I guess ..... I don't know .... Maybe it wasn't meant to be. At least not now. Maybe another time. I know he is my SOULMATE, but not at this point in our lives. I will always love him. That will never be a question in my mind, my heart or my soul. But I can't put my life on hold for him....not any more. I've got too much I want to do and too much on the line. Ok....enough of that......on to better things.

I went out with a friend last night. I helped him babysit for a few hours....watched Biker Boyz...one I haven't seen yet. Turned out to be a pretty good movie. Very comparable to Th Fast & The Furious, but on bikes. Very good movie. Went out to dinner after the movie and after the baby's mom got home. Went to Winger's.....HAD A FUCKING BLAST!!!!! I haven't laughed that hard in a VERY long time. And we laughed over RANCH, of all things. I'll tell you what...I'll never think of Ranch the same way again! OMG!!! I had tears in my eyes, my gut hurt and my face hurt from laughing so damn hard. We went back to his place and put in another movie....Again, one I haven't seen before....The Italian Job. OUTSTANDING movie. One I would watch again. It was nothing like I expected it to be, which made it even better!

RANCH?! Of all things to laugh over. It's amazing how many sick & twisted things 2 people can come up with to do with Ranch.

And I'll leave it at that! :) ¶ 9:08:00 AM