Here's how it all started......I mistakenly went to lunch with Nate. Why? I don't know. I just did. Call me stupid, call me idiotic. Call me what you will. It was dumb. I know. The feelings all came back. Not as strong as they were, but they were definately there. Then, a few days later, I came to the realization that I can't do this! I love BK. And I won't mess things up with her again. So I send no emails, no calls and finally got this response:

Natalie-

I'm not sure how to start this email.............I guess I'm just curious what's changed?

A few weeks ago you were talking how you could stand to be away from me and now nothing. No Calls, No emails?????????

If I've done something to upset you please let me know. I think you know me well enough to know that I never, ever meant to hurt you.

If you moved on, I completely understand. But I think I'm entitled to an answer........

Nate
----------------------------------------
Now starts the trail of emails..........................

Nate,

I am sorry. I thought you were gone for the Christmas break. And yes, right before Christmas I met someone. And I am very interested to see where this takes me. This person is there for me, no matter what time of day, no matter what day. This person is all about me. And that is what I need right now. Please don't get me wrong. I will always love you. But this is what I need right now. You didn't do anything to upset me or hurt me. Someone just swept me off my feet and I'm going to take the opportunity to see where it goes.

Love always & forever,

Natalie
----------------------------------------
Natalie-

What a difference a week makes!

Wow.........I'm not sure what to say? I guess first off, I'm happy for you. I hope this person can give you everything that you need and deserve. I hope that they can indeed be there for you no matter what time of day, no matter what day. I hope this person will truly be "All about you". Something apparently that I wasn't for you.......

I'm sitting here at work this morning trying to come to grips with all of this. To be perfectly honest, your email has hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't cried like this for a while now! I had so many hopes and dreams for the new year with you, but those dreams look like they have now come and gone..................But before I end this email I want you to know a few things: First- I love you. I always will and no matter who you happen to fall in love with, that will never, ever change. Second- We've always said, "What if we had met only a few years earlier"??? Well..........in this case I wish you hadn't have met this person until a few weeks later from today. Third- Over the holiday, I had a really good talk with my wife about her and I. She asked me if I still had feeling for you and I told her yes.She asked me if I would leave her for you if you asked me to. I told her that you would never ask me to leave, but that you would welcome the opportunity for us to be together. I told her that I was the one who wouldn't commit. We've been separated ever since..................Forth- I'm sitting here at my desk looking a your Christmas present. Nothing more than a little box. It's just a box that held a "Promise" that I would replace it one day with a "Real" one. I guess I forgot that they person whom your giving your promise to has to want to accept it. I guess I can't expect someone to lay their heart out on the line based on a promise. The ring is here for you, if you still want it...............It beautiful just like you, but after reading your email, it's lost a lot of its luster and meaning. Fifth- You will always be my first, my last and my only...........And I was yours............At least I thought..........sadly until today!

Love always and forever,

Your former Knight, your former prince.
----------------------------------------
I know you don't want anything to do with me now, but would at least acknowledge that you got my last email?
----------------------------------------
We've been busy this morning. I have read your email. I know the hurt you are feeling. I have felt it several times. Maybe if things were different, we could still be together. But things have changed, I have met someone who is there for me. And that is what I need. That is what I have longed for with you, but could never have. And I never said I don't want anything to do with you. I still love you. I always will. But this is what I need right now.
----------------------------------------
Just answer me one question and please be totally honest.

Do I know this person?
----------------------------------------
No, you do not.
----------------------------------------
I'm sorry. I just need some answers to try and have some closure.

I just ask that you put yourself in my shoes for a minute. The last time we talked, you told me that you still wanted to be with me. So during the Christmas break, still under the notion that you still wanted to be with me, I left my wife and hired a lawyer. Yes that's right, I hired a lawyer. I bought you a ring and had every intention of giving it to you after we got back from Christmas break. Now I come to work and find out that you have not only met someone, you are having no problem living your life without me in it.

I guess I'm just a little shocked. I question the true timing of when you met the person, but I guess it really doesn't matter now.

I guess my final question is this: Knowing everything that you do now.......I.e.........my leaving my wife, hiring a lawyer and buying you a ring. Would you rather be with him or me?

I know that's difficult question, at least I hope it is for you. I just need to know, I've got things in progress right now with my lawyer that I have time to stop, if you do indeed choose him, I need to know. If you choose him, I'll remain with my wife for my kids sake, but just know that up until I got your email from last night, I was willing to give you everything you wanted and leave.
----------------------------------------
My heart tells me that you were a person of great significance in my life, I cannot change that. What I can change is my choices, decisions and my goals. I have started to change my choices. I have adjusted how I make my decisions so they better match my goals.

My goals, that is a powerful statement. For too long I have allowed you to manipulate my emotions to arrive at "your goals". While I regret nothing that we have done together, I do regret allowing someone else to have as much control over my life as you DID. In a way I would like to thank you for helping me realize that this is my life to live. That I need to take control of my destiny and focus on the things that I need to accomplish and the things most important to me. I tended to put you before the needs of many things important to me my job, my kids, and even myself. I realized that this was not the way I wished to live my life. I want to have a healthy and trusting relationship. One of mutual respect and understanding. Our relationship was too one sided, too much damage was done to ever successfully repair that loss of trust, respect, and lack of full honesty. So I have moved on and realized I was not dysfunctional, I was not lacking, someone cares for me un conditionally and expects nothing in return but who I am.

I have realized that you care for me as much as you are capable of at this point in your life. You cannot however offer me the stability and the security that "I" need. You are a cheater, plain and simple. We can sugar coat it and avoid talking about it all we want, but in the end you have a wandering eye. You cheated on your wife to be with me, you have cheated on me to be with others. Who knows where it will stop. I tell you when, It will be stopped with me. I refuse to put myself in a failing relationship. I refuse to listen to all of the broken promises and most of all I refuse to follow in the foot steps of your wife. I don't want to worry when you are not near, wondering if your faithful. I shouldn't have to worry. But I know that if I was to stay with you, that would be my life. You expect me to change to match your needs, But you have not shown any change to match mine.

You ask me to do several things. To put myself in your shoes and look at the overall relationship and the timing over the holidays. I will ask you the same. Try putting yourself in your wife's shoes, look at what are you doing to her. This is/was a person that you proclaimed eternal and undying love. Did you ever think of her? Put yourself in my shoes, relationships are built on trust. You have shown nothing but how untrustworthy you truly are. Put yourself in your children's shoes what have your actions done or are going to do to them? But instead of looking at yourself you are asking me to place myself in your shoes. OK I have and I can now see how insecure, irresponsible and selfish you are. You made decisions in your life, You used your free agency and now you are suffering the consequences. But heaven forbid if you were to actually shoulder the blame. No, that is everyone else's fault and responsibility. Even your email is worded to make it MY fault that our relationship has turned out this way. You even question my loyalty and honesty. Why because you cannot trust yourself. You cheat, therefore so does everyone else and I take offense to your inference's. You keep putting pressure on me, forcing me to choose. I gave you my answer, but you keep asking for one. It just reinforces how childish you are because I see the same behavior from my children. "Mom, can I go outside and play?" and the answer is "No", But the child not wanting to accept that answer keeps asking and asking, hoping for the answer to change. So your question is "I guess my final question is this: Knowing everything that you do now.......I.e.........my leaving my wife, hiring a lawyer and buying you a ring. Would you rather be with him or me? " My answer is "We are through, I am starting this other relationship" But you acting like a child cannot accept this answer and keep asking the question.

I don't want you to think that I made this choice without thinking. I have been thinking a great deal over the last few months. I realized that I have been manipulated, deceived, and disrespected by you. For me to grow as a person I need to move on. I deserve to be treated better. I know the responses, pleas, and arguments forming in your head because I have heard them all before. You say them over and over to try and convince me to stay and to be with you, but they are said to convince yourself just as much as to manipulate me. To continue our relationship would only serve to confine and hurt my growth, and to reward your childish, irresponsible and deceitful habits and lifestyle.

I chose to move on.

To allow me to live the life I deserve and to give you the freedom to grow up and be responsible.
----------------------------------------

You have the guts to talk to me about morals?

Am I someone guilty of adultery? Yes, I am. Why would I deny something that both of know for truth? So to your point about being a cheater, I guess I am. But one thing I am not is a hypocrite. You sit here and talk to me about what I've done to my wife and my kids. Last time I checked you lost your kids and a healthy relationship with your family to drugs. I also know about your past and all of the many men you've been with; several of which were married. I also know that you've since turned your life around and have re-written that chapter of your life, but you know what the difference between those two situations are? I have never once thrown that in your face. You talk about my relationship with my wife, you have no idea what our relationship is about, good or bad. So don't sit here and preach to me about being loyal and hypocrisy. I realize first hand that I wasn't fair to you and lot of other people namely my family and myself. For that I am truly sorry. With that being said, I am truly happy for you. I hope this person gives you everything that you deserve and more. If you choose to continue to deface me, I guess that's your right and prerogative. Just know that I never have and never will have a negative thing to say about you. I do treasure the times we shared together.

I know I will never ever fully understand why at one time you chose drugs over your family. As such you will never fully understand why I chose you over my family.

We're human and we make mistakes. I'm not prefect and I don't claim to be.

I can tell from the tone of your email that you think I'm a big piece of shit, but just remember that you once fell in love with that piece of shit.

I wish you the best in the future. You're a good person with a good heart.

Thanks for the memories.
----------------------------------------
I never said nor thought that you were a big piece of shit. I never once said that and yes I did fall in love with you. You however asked me for an honest response, to tell you what was on my mind and to open up and explain why I had a change of mind.

I expressed myself honestly, my concerns and fears of what may happen. That the patterns that you have shown in your relationships may repeat themselves and that I did not want to live my life that way. I did not want to be emotionally manipulated. I did not want to have to be responsible for not only my mistakes but for yours. I needed to break the self destructive behaviors that I have in my life. Doesn't matter if it is drugs or adultery it is self destructive. One of the things I have learned is that I need to better my environment. If I wanted to stay away from doing drugs, I didn't go to places were people did drugs, or where I could get drugs. If I want to better my relationships then I need to avoid people who cheat and practice adultery.
Was I telling you how to live your life, No. I was voicing how I want to live mine. You are a good person I told you that you still hold a special place in my heart. But I can not picture myself ever feeling comfortable, safe, and secure in a long term relationship with you. The reason why, because I cannot trust you. You have shown me that you are willing to throw away a long term relationship with kids to be with me. While the thought at first is very tempting and flattering as it makes me feel honored that someone would make a sacrifice that that for me. I stop and think about that same offer without clouding my judgment with the temporary thrill that sacrifice would bring. I see several things, just as in your previous email I see you attacking me with that same sacrifice when things don't go your way, " Look, at what "I" have given up for you" I don't want to be in your debt. The other thing I can primarily see is in regards to empathy and putting myself into the situation. I said before I am unwilling to follow in the footsteps of your wife. So let me explain, you are sooo willing to sacrifice a very serious commitment that you made with your wife and kids. What makes me so special that when you grow tired of me you don't do the same? Will the decision be so hard? As I said it is an honor that you would be willing to make that sacrifice for me, but then the reality of the situation returns. If your wife and kids are this expendable then so am I.

Relationships are built on trust. At this point I cannot trust you. I can love you and care about you and your well being, But I cannot trust you to not cheat on me like you cheated on your wife. Am I any better with my faults? probably not, but I accept the responsibility that comes with the decisions of my past. I have a hard time accepting my errors and faults. I don't need you to thrust your guilt and pain on me.

You showed a great deal of emotion in your response. I was nervous when I sent the email as to how it would be taken, how you would respond to my concerns. You met the expectation of my fears and instead of rationally talking about my concerns you attacked me. You try to make yourself out to be the martyr, you tell me how you know your faults, you know the pain you have caused. You exclaim how much of a hypocrite I am because I have done similar things in my past, then you thrust the responsibility of all that emotion on my shoulders. You try and make me feel like the "bad guy", but I'm done accepting your guilt. Imagine if we did get into a relationship and I opened up and was willing to share these concerns with you. Would you have accepted me? been willing to smooth out my concerns? This response shows me that you would not help, but just add to my load by making all of my concerns and worries my fault. Behavior would never be corrected. I will not go into an other relationship expecting to change the other person to meet my needs, you can't make others change. So you have shown me over the last year that you are unwilling to change to make a relationship work. This could have been done by making a decision long before now, me or her. I asked over and over when you were going to leave her to let us work on our relationship. You kept playing us both wanting your cake and being able to eat it too and not being accountable to either of us. Do I know what your relationship with your wife is like "no" I only have the information you are feeding me. But how many times am I required to listen to the same bullshit over and over again. You have told me before that you were leaving. and yet again you are telling me the same thing. How am I to trust and believe you when all the other times have been lies?

I still care for you, but I'm done molding my live around your excuses and carrot dangling promises.

I hope you have the strength to enact the change you see in your live to make it better. I'm sorry I could not be apart of it, but you missed the train because you couldn't make up your mind.
----------------------------------------
Natalie-

Thanks again for your response. The past 24 hours have been a real "Eye-opener" and a very humbling experience for me. The reality is your 100% correct in the way I have led my life over the past year. For that I am sorry. I'm not trying to make you shoulder any more of this responsibility than what you already have. I want you to know that I have taken your concerns to heart and I look to change those things within my life. My "Emotions" got the best of me with my last email. My intentions were not to rub your face in your past mistakes, but rather to point out that we are all human and are all capable of making mistakes. It was hard for me to realize and accept that I had truly lost you. You've been a big part of my life and everything hit all at once.

Trust........Trust is something I have always taken for granted. I grew up in a home with no trust. Both my mom and dad had affairs on each other. My ex-wife had an affair with my best friend. My current wife now had an affair on me before I ever started my "Wandering eyes". I'm not telling you this to make excuses or to puff myself up as a "Martyr"..........I just want you to understand my background. When I got involved with you, my current wife had just ended her affair a couple of months earlier. I was angry and hurt. When I met you I found someone who unlike my wife at that point, was interested in me. You immediately stole my heart. I wasn't looking for anything more than comfort and someone that "I" could trust. I found that in you.

The first several months we shared together were incredible. The time at the golf course and other memorable times. As the months past, I think we both started to realize that we were in deeper than either one of us really expected. The difference is that you had the sense to see it and change and I didn't.

I have come to realize that my lack of trust in you, was a direct reflection on myself and not being trustworthy. When I was lashing out at you, I really should have been lashing out at myself.

I want to end this email by saying "Thanks". Thanks for having the intuition to tell me exactly what I needed to hear.

I've always kept a saying close to my heart, it goes, "A true friend is someone who wants what's best for you no matter what, and is willing to tell you the truth with compassion and sincerity........even when the truth hurts". You have met every aspect of this definition. You have been a true friend to me and I will forever be in your debt. I also know and have come to realize just how bad of a friend I have been to you. I have been living a very dishonest, selfish, destructive life, full of deceit and lies. I haven't had you, my wife's or my kids best interest at heart.

So I find it a little ironic that just shortly after my 30th birthday that I sit at another crossroads of my life. (Damn I'm getting old!) I now realize that I want to change the way I live and that I must change. I want nothing more than to be trustworthy. I know that becoming trustworthy to my wife and kids again will not come easy or quickly. But with their support, I know I can do it.

It's been said that the only way for people to become "Trustworthy" is to be trusted by those whom you want to be trusted by. I would love the opportunity to be a "Trustworthy" person in your eyes again. Not as a lover, not as a partner, but as a friend. I realize that my asking to remain your friend may be the biggest hypocritical thing I have done yet. But like I said earlier, you have only wanted what was best for me and have had no problem telling the truth with real sincerity. I would love the opportunity to earn your trust back and show you that I only want what's best for you and your kids. I want to be the friend to you that you've been to me.

If you chose to end our friendship entirely, I have no one to blame but myself.

You will always hold a special place in my heart. You were my first, my last and only............true friend. Thank you!

¶ 10:05:00 AM