Where do I start??? It's not easy letting the one you love go, but as an awesome friend reminded me....."it's better to have loved & lost, than never to have loved at all".... When I first met my hottie, we were just friends. We started talking one day, about our lives, what we liked, what we didn't like....just average, everyday things people talk about. It soon moved on from there. We talked about a fling. Nothing serious...he was married, still is, and I was just recently divorced. The last thing either of us wanted was something serious. Sex with no strings attached. Perfect for the both of us. We had some good times. Both of us getting what we wanted.....but no attachment. So we thought........

We had only wanted sex...nothing else....that wasn't what we got. I had a day off on Tuesday, October 21, 2003...as are all of my Tuesdays. He had taken that day off as well. He was going golfing that day, as the temperature that day was supposed to be in the 80's, and invited me to go along. I accepted in a heartbeat. He came over that morningabout 10:30 and brought me 3 roses. "One for yesterday, one for today, and one for tomorrow, as we will always have those 3 days." I damn near cried. I hadn't received flowers in over 5 years. We spent nearly 3 hours on the golf course and had a blast. I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time. After golfing, we headed to lunch, talking & laughing more. I learned more about him and his past, what he wanted, and what he longed for. We headed back to my place after lunch and had some wild time together. He left my place at 7:00 that night. He was all I could think about.

The next night, we were laying together peacefully in my bed. I was looking in his eyes and he was looking in mine. I knew he was thinking something, but I wasn't quite sure what it was. I asked him to tell me what he was thinking. He wasn't sure he could, because he wasn't sure how I would react to it. He knew he could talk to me about anything. That's how open I was about everything between us. He hesitated for a few more minutes, before looking me directly in the eyes and saying, "I love you too." I put my head down on his shoulder and just started crying.

"How did you know?" I asked him.

"I can see it in your eyes," he replied.

"When did you figure it out?"

"Yesterday when we were at lunch together."

"When did you know you loved me?"

"Last night when I left here."

I knew he wasn't one to lie about his feelings. I knew what I felt for him was more than what either of us set out for it to be. I was afraid to tell him, because of how he would react. Neither of us were looking, as I said before, for anything other than a fling. Now, we have not only a physical attachment, but an emotional & mental one as well.

"What are we going to do about it?" I asked him cautiously.

"See where it takes us." he said outright.

"This is going to be hard, due to our unique situation." I told him.

"Yeah, but we'll make it work." he said. "Because I love you."

"I love you too."

Soon after that he left. We spent as much time together as we could. I knew he was married, I knew he had 2 kids. But he had my heart, my soul & my inner being, and I knew I had his. Those 3 things are something I've NEVER given anyone else in my entire 29 years. I cherished the few hours I had with him. I got to see him almost every day, but I only got to be with him 2 or 3 times a week. It was hard, knowing the one you love, the one you are destined to be with, goes home to someone else after he leaves you. He knew this as did I. And I told him...."I would rather have part of you than none of you."

Things were going so well......almost too well....He was, is, and always will be my knight in shining armor, my prince. He rescued me at a time I needed rescued most. He brought to life my belief in love. He brought to life my belief that God has created a soulmate for me. He IS my soulmate. Where was he 5 years ago? I could see myself married to him for the rest of my life. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to take care of him. I want to love him. I want to be the one he turns to when he's having a bad day or needs to talk. I want to be HIS one. He has told me that I am his only true love, his soulmate. I believe him. I trust him. He just doesn't know what he wants right now. I understand that. He has 10 years invested into his current relationship, 8 years of marriage. And he has 2 beautiful kids. I understand that he doesn't want to hurt his kids....I wouldn't want him to hurt them either. Children are the most precious things we have in this violent world. We, as parents, have to protect them, as best we can.

Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I got an email from him....

I can't afford anymore "Discussions" about "Us".

My job comes first always has and always will. I am sick to death of being talked to about this.

Enough is Enough

I'm not trying to be a jerk, I just can't take all of this anymore. I have never ever been in trouble here......until today, and I refuse to have it happen again.

I'm sorry.

He broke my heart. I almost quit my job. I'm still thinking about it. The man who promised me he would never hurt me broke my heart!! I don't know how things will go from now on. But I'm going to keep my head up, keep moving on. He cannot and will not break my spirit. I will not allow him to!

He will always be my prince, my knight in shining armor, my one, my only, my true love, my soulmate. He will forever be in my heart. I will always love him.

I will be ok. I am a survivor. I will survive!

¶ 1:39:00 PM